For the past few weeks, I’ve been indisposed. Vacant. Available. Allotting my time to outlets that require more attention than my personal life. The problem is that I spend so much time alone that I rattle my own cage. I don’t have any close friends to speak of these things with. The wanderings of the mind are what caused this in the first place. The wanderings of the mind have led me back.
I had an STD scare a few weeks that lasted for a while. Even after tests, I was convinced something had happened. Turns out it was just some irritation due to my bathing suit and I’m just an idiot.
In addition to that, I’ve had time to reflect on my last few months mainly out of fear. I’ve kept people at arm’s length and pushed others out of an acceptable range. I’ve met a young lass at the job whom I get along with quite well. But I’m not sure if my attraction is due to lack of companionship or intrinsic value. With the waning of my friends and those I have funneling into acquaintances, I found myself going days without speaking to anyone other than a passing “hello” to those I live with.
I’ve always had a problem relating to others. I’m artsy, fitness-oriented, and I read a lot of stuff that other people don’t have any interest in. I don’t watch a lot of television, in fact I haven’t had cable in four years. It’s hard for me to find conversation topics that genuinely interest me. Not to say that I can’t rally and talk about almost anything; it’s just not always available.
I don’t want to present the impression that I don’t have friends. Given that my real friends live in the south; except for the den mother. She lives an hour away and after a few hours of conversation we tend to butt heads.
I realized today that I’m no longer thinking of my future. I’m barely thinking days ahead let alone weeks or months or years. I’m 17 again with no real plan for anything.
I’ve been trying to focus wholly on projects, thus my habit of pushing others away; particularly in the interest of romance. The other folks I push away are largely due to me being the only one who makes an effort. I suppose that’s the way most things. ‘What is it out or who is it and how does it benefit me?’ Maybe I’m too much a philosopher. Maybe I’m not enough of one.
Maybe I never had a real touch of companionship and thus my feigning fondness in the community.
I haven’t the slightest clue what it is that I really want. I’m struggling with the duality of projects and people. I can’t find common ground for the two of them and thus I can’t settle on wholly on either task.
Women are a task.
Projects are a task.
Neither of which I seem to be capable of organizing and maintaining.
Perhaps everything would be better off without my interference. Perhaps this is a personal shift of tectonics. A shift of the earth to lead to a new landscape.
One of thing is for sure… There isn’t a fucking soul I’ve been able to talk about this with.
My dad is probably going to be dead in the next few months too. I’ve made an effort, probably a worthless one, to make amends with a dying man. I’ll wait to see what the future brings before I delve further into this thought.
“May you find what you’re looking for and recognize what you need for they are seldom the same.”
Immortal Iron Fist